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  • Bryce McEfee

The Delectable Tale of the Plate Lickers’ Delight

Art by Paul Rios


I’d heard rumors of this couple that eats every last crumb, spec, drip, drop and morsel of food in, on or around their dishes and table. Apparently one time, the husband even got on his hands and knees to get the scraps off the floor…mmm, mmm finger licking good! Never before have I been able to lay my eyes on such a spectacle…fortunate for me, I finally stumbled upon that day I got to witness this wonder in action.

Let me be real…I truly want to get this couple matching t-shirts that read “No Crumb Left Behind.” I feel this common bond between them is nothing less than true love. At one point, the wife handed off her dishes and just sat back and relaxed, while her man methodically went to town, plate by plate to make sure all dishes were spotless. One lick here…two licks there…a finger swipe to finish it off…ok done. Next! Now that’s some powerful stuff.

I’d say let’s sign this couple up to having their own cleaning/dish washing business, but there would probably be just one slight issue. It is pretty ridiculous how clean they leave their utensils, dishes and table…clean from food I should say, but definitely not from germs. I’m pretty sure they are leaving a small bacterial village behind after every lick licked. Although, with the amount of pills this couple was popping, there is a very off chance their saliva is much cleaner and much more disease free than your average OCD extraordinaire…this of course is an extreme long shot, but I like to believe it could be so.

If there were any faults in this beautiful couple, and I dare say you’d be hard pressed to find many, it would have to be their apparent lack of respect for others around them. Now I’m not sure how much medicine you need to carry and whip out onto a restaurant table before you are loosely labeled off your rocker, but dear lord, the wife carried a freaking pharmacy with her. At least 15 to 20 different pill bottles littered the table and they were not slinging a single pill, they kept them all to themselves, not offering anyone around them any of the goods…greedy bastards.

Despite this one minor fault, this touching couple inspired me to write the following jingle that I’m pretty sure will catch on as a big hit in third world countries that have the luxury of radios.

“OCD, OCD…a lick for you and a lick for me…keeping the world crumb free…gotta love my O…C…D!”


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