Art by Paul Rios
My family was on our usual Tahoe getaway, the whole gang was there. My sister had just recently had a baby some 6 months ago, so she opted to stay at the cabin with little baby Wyatt while the rest of us went out for a lake cruise. We spent a good 3 to 4 hours basking in the sun, whipping people around on the skies and just having an all around relaxing grand old time. Once we had all the sun and fun we could take for the morning we got back to the peer and immediately contemplated what we should do for food. We of course did not want to leave out Carly and Wyatt so we called her on her cell. Ring, ring, ring…no answer. Again and again we tried, but to no avail. To this day none of us are quite sure what took place during those hours between the time we left Carly and little baby Wyatt and to the time we returned to the cabin, but this is how I see it…
As soon as we closed the cabin door behind us, little mountain gnomes with their little mountain gnome minds set out to execute a little mischievous plan to swoop up my sister and take her to their underground cavernous mountain layer. You see, these very height impaired, rambunctious bearded men where in need of a mommy. Very very badly.
Now it’s common knowledge that a mountain gnome without a mommy is an extremely grumpy and unpleasant being to be around. The theory behind their midday B&E grab and run is based on the idea that after centuries of reclusion they finally could not put up with each other’s grumpy assess anymore and one was smart enough to unite the horde to do something about it.
Carly lay unexpectedly falling asleep with her sweet sweet Wyatt comforted by her side wrapped tightly in his blanky. Little did this young unlikely hero know that he was about to embark upon a most epic journey. A journey that would forever shape his life. For a little baby boy also needs his mommy, much much more than any little mountain gnome.
Carly’s eyes finally shut, a hint of drool started to creep from her mouth. This was go time for the little mountain gnomes. Before the drool could even hit the pillow, Gnome Team 1 snatched Carly from her bed with the greatest of ease. You may not be able to tell from their frumpy looks, but little mountain gnomes are quite stealthy and very well organized. That is when they aren’t pulverizing each other due to their grumpiness.
Unfortunate for the little mountain gnomes, there is a special bond between a mommy and her babe. As soon as Carly was taken, little baby Wyatt awoke eyes wide open. In mid dream of nipples and love, Wyatt’s silent mommy alarm went on high alert. Danger, danger. Mommy has disappeared. In these high alert instances it is common for a babe to gain strength and senses that are far more advanced than normal baby bodies. This rare, but very real phenomenon has never been documented. For when the ordeal is over, the babes go back to a normal, leaving the world none the wiser.
In a fit of rage, Wyatt sprang to his tiny baby feet and bolted toward the door. Detecting Carly’s scent with his powerful little baby nose, he knew the exact direction the little mountain gnomes were headed. In hot pursuit, Wyatt sped through the woods. Dodging tree after tree, he didn’t hesitate while the sharp pricks of the pine needle forest floor stabbed his little baby feet with every stride. He was determined to get back what was rightfully his and nothing would get in his way.
With his tracking/hunting skills on par with a velociraptors, Wyatt quickly reached within sight of Gnome Team 1. Just as Wyatt approached Gnome Team 1, the littlest gnome caught sight of him, stuck his tongue out and gave out a big gnome-warning cry to alert his fellow team. Gnome Team 1 scurried Carly into their tunnel which was all too small for a grown man, but most naturally accessible to a baby on the move. Wyatt glared at the littlest gnome, gave him the finger and then motioned his little baby thumb in a slashing motion across his little baby neck. These little mountain gnomes had no clue what kind of terror they had unleashed.
The gnomes raced deeper and deeper into their mountain layer twisting and turning through craggy tunnels, trying to loose Wyatt in their vast cavernous maze. Wyatt could sense his mom and very swiftly came upon his prey. There were six gnomes and one baby. Wyatt easily dispatched two gnomes with the snap of their necks before Gnome Team 1 even knew that death was upon them. The remaining four rounded on Wyatt– a skull bursting right hook to the temple, a lethal roundhouse kick to the jugular and a nose to brain splattering palm dropped three more. Easy peasy.
Wyatt found himself alone with one last gnome. The little gnome from the cave entrance. Knowing that he didn’t have much time before the family would return to the cabin, Wyatt pulled out his butterfly knife. There was no time to waste. Taunting the little gnome to attack, Wyatt winked at him, beckoning him to come closer with his finger.
The littlest gnome whipped out a pair of nunchucks, swirling them around in a brutal display of true force. Wyatt smirked, laughed, gave out a fierce raptor call and lunged at the littlest gnome, slitting his throat with one fatal swoop. Crimson rain painted the cave walls and floor. Game over.
Wyatt slung his unconscious mommy over his shoulder and carried her all the way home. Just as Wyatt placed Carly back on the bed and got under his blanket, we turned the knob to enter the cabin door. To everyone it appeared that Carly didn’t answer her phone because she was asleep. Little did the family know that little baby Wyatt had just saved the day.
Unfortunate for Wyatt, he won’t remember his heroic tale in years to come. As for little mountain gnomes everywhere, little baby Wyatt’s infamy will invoke fear for all time. If ever again any little mountain gnome thinks of stealing someone else’s mommy they will definitely know better.
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