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  • Bryce McEfee

Ain’t Nothing but a Rapture Party

Art by Paul Rios


So the other day, for no real apparent reason at all, I was pondering the crazy awkwardness that was May 22, 2011. Here are my nonsensical thoughts of that morn…

Trying to wake up after a long night of birthday BBQ debauchery, I lay in bed…arms out, legs crossed, an ache in my side from dehydration. I ponder what the hell’s going on…I’m still alive. May 21, 2011, 6:00 PM PST came and went. People disappeared from my party throughout the night, but I’m pretty sure they just went home.

So the way I see it, we are left with two options. Either we are all screwed and awaiting eternal damnation or the rapture didn’t happen…I’m going to bet on the latter, and not because I didn’t have all my faith in an eighty-something year old man who had predicted this very occurrence before with similar disappointing results…I’m fairly certain Jesus had every intent on rapturefying the entire earth, but he must of got hung up with something more important.

If you caught any form of news, you might have heard one or several theories as to why this great biblical event did not come to fruition. I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell you that all the news sources you have heard are wrong. So let me tell you 3 plausible scenarios why our asses didn’t get rectified on that beautiful spring evening.

1) If the heavens couldn’t have me, then Jesus didn’t want anyone.

2) God tried to wake up Jesus after a night of partying with Mary Magdalene, but he refused to get out of bed. Guess we’ll have to wait on the Apocalypse until Jesus gets his shit together.

3) It was my birthday. All the usual suspects were living it up at my house…drinking, eating and being merry…when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and this shaggy hair dude that looked vaguely familiar was standing on my front porch. He looked kind of lost and a bit confused, so being the kind-hearted soul that I am…I invited him in to join the festivities. I was already a few brews deep and in need of another, so I grabbed a few more and passed one over to my new shaggy companion. He was a bit shy at first, but the intoxicating hops splashing through his system had him preaching about life in no time…he was definitely a lightweight. This guy kept going on and on about some big decisions he had to make, while I kept supplying him the liquid comfort and a good ear. We had a great heart to heart for a couple hours or so, after we had another beer and some tasty eats…then he said he had to go home. On his way out he thanked me, hugged me, gave me some fruity looking wink and told me he now knew his path and that all would be cool.

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