A Work Time Private Dick: The Mystery of the Monster DUB Editions
Art by Paul Rios
My day started out just as every other day does. I got up after my 3rd alarm went off, I laid in bed for another extra 15 minutes or so and then I crawled out of bed and took a nice long shower until the water turned cold. After my supposed wake up shower, I attempted to dress myself in proper work attire, grabbed a breakfast bar and headed to work. Oh yes–Don’t let me forget, like on cue I strolled into work as I do every morning…late.
After performing the normal good morning formalities to all that I pass on the way toward my desk, I finally reached my destination and sat down. Unlike every morning, upon my desk waiting for me to arrive, were two enormous cans of Monster Energy Drinks–the DUB Edition. Apparently this edition, according to the can, is “high performance fuel for the true baller” and it’s “optimized for the mobilized”. Now these weren’t just any ordinary cans of energy drink, these things looked like small artillery rounds. They probably pack the same heart stopping punch as a mortar does. The strange thing was, there wasn’t a note or clue as to who left these double DUBs for me.
I peaked up over my cube walls, hoping to catch the culprit grinning in my direction to see if I received what they planted for me. Nothing. Not a single awkward smile or glance. I had to figure out who left these bad boys. I questioned all the usual suspects. All those people that enjoy bringing me goodies, but I came up blank. Not a single one of them confessed to being the culprit. Some people made mention, that by the looks of the DUBs, maybe someone was trying to kill me…could someone be trying to kill me?
With the trail falling cold on my end, I enlisted my fellow coworker, Stevie, to help me sleuth it up around the office. With my uno now a duo, we decided to cross check the usual crowd once more…we came across a few possible leads, but all turned out to be dead ends. We must not have had the proper sleuthing attire…Stevie had forgotten her detective hat and I couldn’t find a pipe anywhere. My hope was fading fast.
It wasn’t until sometime after lunch that I came across the first big break in the case. Greta, whom I usually count on my side, turned suspect when she made slip a juicy piece of information…she knew who put the DUBs on my desk. Unfortunate for me, she was sworn to secrecy not to tell. Now it’s common knowledge that secrets are no fun and they in fact can really hurt someone. This time was no exception, but I had to stay strong. I was determined not to let her get to me.
I grilled her and drilled her with question after question, but she would not give in. Greta was definitely one tough cookie. This went off and on for hours until it was quitting time. She just toyed with my emotions, getting some kind of sick jollies off my torment. She was playing hardball, but tomorrow was a new day. I’d bring my “A” game and get the answers I so rightfully deserved.
For the second day in a row the office double DUBing mystery continued to grow. This time around I found cookies precariously placed on my desk. Double fudge with white chocolate chunk cookies…the good stuff. It appeared as though someone had already tapped into the goods, several cookies were missing and one had a bite taken out of it. Tired of having them take up space in their cupboard, the culprit must of given me their sloppy seconds. What kind of cruel joke was someone getting at? Those cookies had feelings too.
Armed with my trusty sleuthing pipe in mouth and a furrowed brow, I immediately looked over at Greta’s crooked smile and demanded to know who was behind this madness. Of course she just played coy and revealed nothing. Pregnant women can be so evil. I decided to take a different tactic and act like I didn’t care about this mystery anymore. Hopefully getting Greta to cave from boredom of my newfound lack of interest.
I kept it pretty cool for a while, minding my own business and going about the workday as if all were good, when the biggest break in the case occurred. My coworker, Stevie, I enlisted to help the day before instant messaged me…”I know who DUB’d you.” I demanded to know how she cracked the case. She said she asked the receptionist and that the receptionist had seen who had brought the Double DUBs in the previous morning. Of course, I should have known…you can never sneak one by the receptionist.
With immense anticipation, I quickly messaged back asking for a name. Unfortunate for me it appeared Stevie wanted to have a little fun with me and made me start guessing. The only clue she gave was that the name started with an “R”. This narrowed it down to about 5 people. I quickly ran down the phone list with her just to be sure I named them all. One “R” name down, two “R” names down, 3, 4 and then I came upon the last “R” name…Roger. The head boss, king sting around the office…of course he would mess with me. I should have known. I thanked my co-sleuther for her awesome sleuthing and told her not to tell a soul that I knew who was behind the DUBing.
New knowledge in hand, I decided to press on Greta some more. It seemed my nonchalance paid off somewhat and Greta quickly crumbled by telling me that it was in fact her that brought the cookies in to get a rise out of me, but she still would not give in to telling me whom the DUBs were from. Little did she know I knew who was behind the Double DUBs. With the mystery solved and my mind at ease, I wonder what I am to do next. Do I exact my revenge or do I just let this incidence fade in memory? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.