Art by Paul Rios
Don’t mind us, we’re just going to sit over here and gorge on the roasted flesh of felled fowl. We’ll be back with our regularly scheduled programming next week. If you need something to do in the meanwhile, well, have you considered trying to draw your own Hand Turkey, as illustrated above?
Just follow these six simple steps:
1) First, place your hand on a blank piece of paper. Be sure to spread your fingers as wide apart as possible.
2) With a brown crayon, slowly trace an outline around your hand.
3) Next, uncork a bottle of wine to help you drown out the voices. If the voices remain, try switching to the hard stuff!
4) Once sufficiently bloated, begin crying the throaty howls of repent. Run out of the house, faster and faster until you feel the piercing lancets of fatigue stabbing your thighs. Then collapse into the arms of the nearest stranger and mutter obscenities for approximately 5 minutes, or until the person flees in terror. Subsequently, you must parade into a 24-hour convenience store and claim that you are the besotted soothsayer of Dionysus come to sing the sacrosanct melodies of the mystery. Jettison any undergarments at this point.
6) Wake up to a brilliant winter dawn shivering in a field of poesies, devoid of pants and hope. Attempt to find your cell phone to call a cab only to realize that the contents of your pockets consist of three pennies, a 14-inch strand of used dental floss and a crumpled piece of paper which reads, “Master of Kung Fu,” in a handwriting that is not your own.
It’s that easy, kids! Of course, these are merely guidelines. To draw a truly spirited Hand Turkey, you must find your own path and that path must be filled with the tears, the tears of regret. But I digress. On behalf of all of us at Last Week’s Memoir, Happy Thanksgiving!