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  • Bryce McEfee

The Great Ranch Madness

Art by Paul Rios


Apparently some lovely people frequent the Habit Burger. While trying to enjoy an exquisite lunch with my friend Greta, a rather rotund man plopped himself at the table beside us. This guy must of still owned the same clothes he had back in the 80s when his body had seen better years…I’m not thinking his body ever saw great years, but at least better than now. Nothing he had on seemed to fit in any way shape or form and he had man meat hanging out everywhere…and not the good kind. You know when something grosses you out, but you just can’t stop looking. Yes, this was definitely one of those extraordinary times. Thankfully my back was too him, but Greta keep catching uncontrollable quick disgusted glances at his huge ass crack halfway out of his children’s Dockers.

Once he left, next sat down a homely looking portly couple. They wasted no time at all with getting down to business. The girl was going to town on her burger, dipping the whole thing (including her hand) into a pool of ranch dressing. This chick had ranch streaming down her mouth to her chin, a sort of ranch goatee. She just sat there, gobbling away, paying no attention to her obvious lack of knowledge on napkin etiquette. Next thing you know, her man grabs an onion ring and swipes some of that lovely chin ranch right off her lower lip and then proceeded to eat it. I know what you’re thinking…mmmm tasty, right? No. You’d be wrong.

Needless to say, at this point we were most definitely ready to leave…mainly in fear that we might get smothered in ranch and then eaten. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have chin ranch nightmares tonight. Good times.


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